Whose Pleasure?
I spend too much time reading bits and pieces of blogs by submissive women about their relationships with their Dom(s). I have not yet found a single submissive blog that I can relate to. This certainly lends more support to the idea that I am not in fact a sub and I need to work to find a definition of what it is that I am seeking.
There are two recurring themes that bother me in submissive experiences that many subs blog about: The hierarchy of pleasure and the crime and punishment model.
Hierarchy of Pleasure
I don’t think I have ever heard it referred to this way by a sub, but it seems appropriate based on their writing. Many subs are critical of themselves for not putting their ‘master’s’ pleasure before their own. The sub blames the irritability of her ‘master’ on her lack of focus on his pleasure.
Many of these subs describe play that involves orgasm denial, asking permission to cum and punishments that involve abstinence.
I don’t understand these relationships. To me the purpose of engaging in a D/s relationship is to ask the Dominant to lead the sub towards greater sexual pleasure. The Dom will get (or take) sexual pleasure from the sub but the purpose of the relationship is developing and expanding the subs sexual experience.
I’m sure that some would say that periods of abstinence and denial assist in this. Safe to say I don’t subscribe to this theory. It also doesn’t work from an ‘on-the-side’ standpoint for what are, I hope, obvious reasons.
In my view a Dom who makes his own pleasure the focus of the relationship is a lazy Dom, or no Dom at all (seriously you can get the ‘little prince’ role play from any 19 year-old male).
Crime & Punishment Model
I’m less judgmental about this model, but I will say I don’t think it is for me. I realize that some people really get off on it, and want to feel ‘bad’, degraded and naughty. This is not really my goal.
Does this mean I think my Dom/me should never hit me, spank me, slap me during play? No. I think part of the experience is to push the limits of pain and pleasure. Of course, I also need to note that my personal limits of pain are quite low.
What bothers me most about this model is that it seems to model blind obedience rather than expanding sexual experience. Many of the scenes I read subs describing involve performing a series of mundane tasks, ones that are presumably the Dom’s preferences both sexually and simply in day-to-day life. They can involve anything from remembering to always hand him the remote control, preparing a specific drink each time he arrives, serving him meals, and more sexual activities like the specifics of how he likes his cock sucked.
What I am looking for is a Dom that wants to lead me into depravity not puppy train me. (not that puppy training as a role play or costume play may not be fun).
The difference for me is the Dom who issues challenges rather than rules and who uses those challenges to slowly and constantly push the subs boundaries. The trouble with this is it does seem to require a much more experienced Dom. That Dom needs to be very intuitive on what to and not to push.
For example, lets say that sucking cock was something I had been socialized to think was not something women should do, that it was disgusting and revolting etc… The Dom decides at some point that he thinks I am ready to push this limit. He needs to decide the best way to do it. Does he bribe me with a present, a treat, a reward if I just put the tip in my mouth and then slowly work me up to full on deep throat? Or does he jam it down my throat and fuck my face hard until he cums and then tell me it wasn’t so bad?
By now you all know (if you have been reading) which one of these would work better on me in that scenario. The point remains though that rather than seeing it as a task I ‘must’ complete it is an experience the Dom wants me to have and to enjoy so that I can further develop my sexual experience. The logical extension of this is that if I (or our hypothetical sub here) learns how to suck cock then play can be extended to oral and penetrative sex, likely to facials, and possible to multiple male partner sex. Each act being built on the foundation of others.
To me if the tone of play is always “do this because I like it or I will do something you don’t like (punishment)” then there is never a positive growth of sexual experience. The relationship depends on the submissive continuing to be a person who wants to be continually degraded instead of challenging the sub to become a full fledged partner in the most deviant sexual acts that turn-on the D/s pair.
Make Me Your Girl On The Side 
I think that this article brings up some great points.
In my opinion, for what it’s worth, as long as the sub isn’t being a doormat (and fooling herself into thinking that being taken advantage of is being submissive), and the dom isn’t being a jerk (and being a user/manipulating and exploiting the sub), I think it’s fine. What it boils down to is whether or not the people involved in the relationship enhance and bring some kind of real joy to each other’s life. Otherwise, what’s the point?
In the end, it really just goes to show that every relationship, D/s or not, is as different as the people in it; and I think that’s a good thing.
That’s a very politically correct answer Ruby.
And on the PC level I agree. I have no right to judge other people’s relationships. I have no right to make statements on what should or should not make them happy. This is one reason that I would never post something like this on another person’s blog or in an open forum.
At the same time I think the BDSM community (such small bit that I’ve entered into) can be overly PC and say “whatever works for each individual = a-okay” and not tackle some larger issues. It would be very easy for women (or men) with low self esteem, trauma, abuse histories to get into self destructive patterns in BDSM. And, I realize it is this image that most BDSM communities want to conquer by holding up examples of well-functioning adults (parents, lawyers, business persons) who happen to also enjoy BDSM. At the same time if the community turns a blind eye to this it’s actually more likely – not less likely to happen.
On a less macro level, my immediate personal concern is that there seems to be such a huge following of both of these models that I need to articulate that I don’t buy into either of them.
I have been reading, trying to understand the psychology and human experiences or relationships involved in this scene and find that I have the same issues as you. Although I am male I see the punishment role of the Dom as an enslavement role enforcement tool. I love nothing more than to watch la petite mort induced by a skilled hand. Somtimes i think that a women’s pleasure properly stimulated is far more intense than the male. The point is that I cannot see why a submissive must be made into a slave in affect in order to accomplish the proper ordering of such a relationship.
On the whole I agree with you Jim. Of course to be a little PC (as noted above) if people do want slave play that is their choice. Personally I don’t see what it would add to the play for me.
A great post and you touch on many things but I do want to say that I have personally and through friends into D/s seen more of the not only the mutual sexual growth in experience but also the intellectual and emotional growth of each partner.
I’ll keep the next comment simple and not layered in nuance but for me a “dumb” sub is a turn off. I like a partner that is not only sexually submissive but intellectually active and interested in things that are passionate to themselves and want to share it with me. Let’s call it proactive submission for want of a better term. They are as interested in participating and shaping our, I say again, our experiences in the D/s role.
I have written about this before but “punishment” is the last thing I want to do. If anyone thinks about the role of discipline they should understand that punishment is in fact the last resort of this type of interaction in my opinion.